I'm sure you're right. I didn't really get into the reasons why she might feel ashamed, other than to just lump her into the "sought" role which includes all those issues you so clearly state.
Also, as you mention, since women are so commonly brought up with those conflicting programs (causing an error due to program loops that results in these bizarre assumptions), that's the basis for why I say I can pretty much guarantee that how she thinks she would feel in his place is pretty much not how he actually feels. With the caveat that they have made it to several years of marriage before she had the "epiphany" that he might be feeling anything at the idea of being the initiator.
And then all this bad cultural programming gets wrapped up in self-help drivel and soundbite therapy where people can say "save your marriage by not talking to each other!" or offer advice to be kind to each other because no one is and these people can actually make money off of this! It just makes my head hurt.
I just found out that one of my friends credits me for the bulk of his effort in saving his relationship because I helped him to understand his girlfriend better. Most of what I said was "talk to her".
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Date: 9/30/08 12:53 am (UTC)From:Also, as you mention, since women are so commonly brought up with those conflicting programs (causing an error due to program loops that results in these bizarre assumptions), that's the basis for why I say I can pretty much guarantee that how she thinks she would feel in his place is pretty much not how he actually feels. With the caveat that they have made it to several years of marriage before she had the "epiphany" that he might be feeling anything at the idea of being the initiator.
And then all this bad cultural programming gets wrapped up in self-help drivel and soundbite therapy where people can say "save your marriage by not talking to each other!" or offer advice to be kind to each other because no one is and these people can actually make money off of this! It just makes my head hurt.
I just found out that one of my friends credits me for the bulk of his effort in saving his relationship because I helped him to understand his girlfriend better. Most of what I said was "talk to her".