I disagree. (Apologies if what I'm about to say has already been stated elsewhere. I have to get ready for work and thus don't have time to read this entire thread.) Everyone who isn't a rapist is "under it". Let me cite a real-world example that happens to me on a regular basis and has almost certainly happened to you as well:
I frequently leave work late in the evening, and there's a single route to the parking garage. By statistical chance, it's not uncommon for me to wind up just a few steps behind a woman I don't know, with just the two of us and nobody else around. Or we'll end up alone on the elevator together.
While it's obviously far worse for her, this situation sucks for both of us. Frequently even a clueless automaton like me can tell that she's actively concerned about her safety. I don't think she's wrong to be so. She's not being a bigot. She's making a sound tactical assessment of the situation. I'm nearly twice her size, I'm either behind her or we're trapped in close proximity to each other, and her options for getting help are almost none. Further, countless women have been in this exact same situation and wound up raped, killed, or both. The worry on her face isn't an indictment against me personally- it's the realization that she's in a situation that she's been rightly taught to avoid because while the chances of it ending badly are low, the consequences are terrible. Her whole life she's heard horror stories - true horror stories - that started out exactly like this.
For me it sucks because my very presence is causing another human being to fear for their safety, and that feels awful. I wish I could just say "Hey, no worries. I'm just going home like you." and have that fix the problem, but it won't.
So I do what I can to convey my status as "not enemy", but there's only so much I can do about it. If I'm behind her I'll fall back some to increase the distance between us, sometimes missing the elevator as a result. If circumstances permit, I'll hurry ahead and move quickly, again increasing the distance and keeping myself within her view the entire time. I'll take my keys out of my pocket (even though my car's key is a wireless device that stays in my pocket, giving a subtle queue about my intent. If she has a bag over her shoulder and is gripping it nervously, I try to walk on the opposite side.
If we're stuck on an elevator together, I avoid eye contact, as that may be threatening. If there is eye contact then I smile warmly but break contact quickly. I "find" something on my phone to be interested in, or I'll call Kim to let her know I'm on my way.
It's frightening for her and embarrassing and uncomfortable for me. Again, this isn't her fault. She's not assessing me as an individual. She's assessing the situation and arriving at a correct conclusion that she's at an extreme tactical disadvantage should I turn out to be a bad guy, and unfortunately there are enough people out there who are bad guys that she's wise to look at the situation in that manner.
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Another male POV
Date: 7/8/11 02:52 pm (UTC)From:I frequently leave work late in the evening, and there's a single route to the parking garage. By statistical chance, it's not uncommon for me to wind up just a few steps behind a woman I don't know, with just the two of us and nobody else around. Or we'll end up alone on the elevator together.
While it's obviously far worse for her, this situation sucks for both of us. Frequently even a clueless automaton like me can tell that she's actively concerned about her safety. I don't think she's wrong to be so. She's not being a bigot. She's making a sound tactical assessment of the situation. I'm nearly twice her size, I'm either behind her or we're trapped in close proximity to each other, and her options for getting help are almost none. Further, countless women have been in this exact same situation and wound up raped, killed, or both. The worry on her face isn't an indictment against me personally- it's the realization that she's in a situation that she's been rightly taught to avoid because while the chances of it ending badly are low, the consequences are terrible. Her whole life she's heard horror stories - true horror stories - that started out exactly like this.
For me it sucks because my very presence is causing another human being to fear for their safety, and that feels awful. I wish I could just say "Hey, no worries. I'm just going home like you." and have that fix the problem, but it won't.
So I do what I can to convey my status as "not enemy", but there's only so much I can do about it. If I'm behind her I'll fall back some to increase the distance between us, sometimes missing the elevator as a result. If circumstances permit, I'll hurry ahead and move quickly, again increasing the distance and keeping myself within her view the entire time. I'll take my keys out of my pocket (even though my car's key is a wireless device that stays in my pocket, giving a subtle queue about my intent. If she has a bag over her shoulder and is gripping it nervously, I try to walk on the opposite side.
If we're stuck on an elevator together, I avoid eye contact, as that may be threatening. If there is eye contact then I smile warmly but break contact quickly. I "find" something on my phone to be interested in, or I'll call Kim to let her know I'm on my way.
It's frightening for her and embarrassing and uncomfortable for me. Again, this isn't her fault. She's not assessing me as an individual. She's assessing the situation and arriving at a correct conclusion that she's at an extreme tactical disadvantage should I turn out to be a bad guy, and unfortunately there are enough people out there who are bad guys that she's wise to look at the situation in that manner.