![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
#ProTip: For the record, when a partner complains that they don't see or hear from you enough to be happy, the correct response is *not* to refrain from contacting them or seeing them even more.
Not if you want to keep that relationship, anyway.
You can't turtle up when there is conflict in your relationships. You have to put in even more effort when a partner shares with you what it is they need to feel loved (learn their Love Language). Believe me, as a conflict-averse introvert, when I start having a problem with someone, even someone I love, my automatic response is to start avoiding them, rationalizing that I need more spoons first. Don't do that.
If a partner says they aren't getting enough time with you, the very first thing you ought to be doing, especially if you can't alter your schedule immediately to accommodate, is to increase the amount of contact you have with them, via whatever medium they like (texting, FB messaging, phone calls, Facetiming, MarcoPolo, whatever).
Then, you have to be proactive about making time for them. Look at your calendar and pick a day, any day, and offer that day to them, no matter how far in the future. If it's a long way off, explain that you can't change your schedule immediately because you already have commitments, but by This Date you will start making changes, so plan a date on This Date.
When someone complains of not getting enough time with you and asks when they can see you again, the correct response is not "I don't know" and leaving it hanging. PICK A DATE. Leaving it open-ended like that and making them do all the work to find some time is the Wrong Answer.
Give them a plan to look forward to, so that they can feel confident that change is coming if they're willing to weather the storm just a little longer. But open-ended "someday things will be different" doesn't help. If you have to, say you need to consult your calendar and you will get back to them *by a specific time*. And then get back to them by that specific time. With a date.
Then you negotiate. You offer a date. If they say they can't make it, then the ball is in their court and ask them for their next availability. If the date they offer doesn't work for you, COUNTER-OFFER WITH ANOTHER DATE.
This is a basic adulting skill. When you reject someone's suggestion for something (and you aren't trying to blow them off or get out of it or whatever), your response should be a counter-offer. Then theirs should be a counter-offer, and you go back and forth counter-offering until an agreement is reached.
If they don't know the rules to this game either, then you can tell them "OK, if that option doesn't work for you, which one does, then?" to gently lob it back to them. It's OK to share the work here, but their request was them starting off, so it's your job to make the first offer.
Offer, counter-offer, counter-offer, counter-offer, agreement. That's the formula, with as many counter-offers as it takes to reach an agreement.
Don't just say "sorry, I don't know" and throw the ball back in their court. It's your ball now, take a shot. Remember, ignoring your partners' Bids for Attention is a sure-fire way to kill a relationship. Like, with something like a 90% death rate.
When your partners give you a clear Bid For Attention, when they share with you their Love Language, you can't get frightened or overwhelmed and just disappear on someone with a parting shot of "I don't know what to do, someday things will change". You have to actually do the thing, even though it's hard.
Assuming you want to keep the relationship.
**Edit**
For clarity, I'm not talking about anyone asking for anything unreasonable or unrealistic (which is subjective). I'm talking about when people ask for *something* and the *response* to that something is to do the opposite, with the given that both people still *want* the relationship. I deliberately did not set any *amounts* because I don't want the amount to be the issue. It's not even time, in particular, that's just an easy example of something commonly contested in relationships.
The point is to bring to people's awareness the concept of Bids for Attention and the fact that repeatedly ignoring ongoing Bids has a direct link to the demise of a relationship. For reference, check out The Gottman Institute.
Also the point is to bring to people's awareness the concept of Love Languages, which is the method that a given person will likely offer a Bid for Attention by either expressing their love for someone in a particular way or asking their partner to do a particular thing so that they feel loved.
If we want to maintain our relationships, we need to learn how to speak our partners' Love Languages, whether we like them for ourselves or not.
Also, the point is to introduce a concept that is, apparently, not very well known, which is the offer-counteroffer-counteroffer method of negotiation.
If you actively want to maintain a relationship (of any sort - could be friendship, could be coworkers, could be romantic, whatever) and they suggest something to you that you can't do, the considerate response where you share the emotional labor is to propose a counter-offer, not just say "I don't know" and then stop.
People need to be doing their share of emotional labor and Relationship Management in relationships.
Not if you want to keep that relationship, anyway.
You can't turtle up when there is conflict in your relationships. You have to put in even more effort when a partner shares with you what it is they need to feel loved (learn their Love Language). Believe me, as a conflict-averse introvert, when I start having a problem with someone, even someone I love, my automatic response is to start avoiding them, rationalizing that I need more spoons first. Don't do that.
If a partner says they aren't getting enough time with you, the very first thing you ought to be doing, especially if you can't alter your schedule immediately to accommodate, is to increase the amount of contact you have with them, via whatever medium they like (texting, FB messaging, phone calls, Facetiming, MarcoPolo, whatever).
Then, you have to be proactive about making time for them. Look at your calendar and pick a day, any day, and offer that day to them, no matter how far in the future. If it's a long way off, explain that you can't change your schedule immediately because you already have commitments, but by This Date you will start making changes, so plan a date on This Date.
When someone complains of not getting enough time with you and asks when they can see you again, the correct response is not "I don't know" and leaving it hanging. PICK A DATE. Leaving it open-ended like that and making them do all the work to find some time is the Wrong Answer.
Give them a plan to look forward to, so that they can feel confident that change is coming if they're willing to weather the storm just a little longer. But open-ended "someday things will be different" doesn't help. If you have to, say you need to consult your calendar and you will get back to them *by a specific time*. And then get back to them by that specific time. With a date.
Then you negotiate. You offer a date. If they say they can't make it, then the ball is in their court and ask them for their next availability. If the date they offer doesn't work for you, COUNTER-OFFER WITH ANOTHER DATE.
This is a basic adulting skill. When you reject someone's suggestion for something (and you aren't trying to blow them off or get out of it or whatever), your response should be a counter-offer. Then theirs should be a counter-offer, and you go back and forth counter-offering until an agreement is reached.
If they don't know the rules to this game either, then you can tell them "OK, if that option doesn't work for you, which one does, then?" to gently lob it back to them. It's OK to share the work here, but their request was them starting off, so it's your job to make the first offer.
Offer, counter-offer, counter-offer, counter-offer, agreement. That's the formula, with as many counter-offers as it takes to reach an agreement.
Don't just say "sorry, I don't know" and throw the ball back in their court. It's your ball now, take a shot. Remember, ignoring your partners' Bids for Attention is a sure-fire way to kill a relationship. Like, with something like a 90% death rate.
When your partners give you a clear Bid For Attention, when they share with you their Love Language, you can't get frightened or overwhelmed and just disappear on someone with a parting shot of "I don't know what to do, someday things will change". You have to actually do the thing, even though it's hard.
Assuming you want to keep the relationship.
**Edit**
For clarity, I'm not talking about anyone asking for anything unreasonable or unrealistic (which is subjective). I'm talking about when people ask for *something* and the *response* to that something is to do the opposite, with the given that both people still *want* the relationship. I deliberately did not set any *amounts* because I don't want the amount to be the issue. It's not even time, in particular, that's just an easy example of something commonly contested in relationships.
The point is to bring to people's awareness the concept of Bids for Attention and the fact that repeatedly ignoring ongoing Bids has a direct link to the demise of a relationship. For reference, check out The Gottman Institute.
Also the point is to bring to people's awareness the concept of Love Languages, which is the method that a given person will likely offer a Bid for Attention by either expressing their love for someone in a particular way or asking their partner to do a particular thing so that they feel loved.
If we want to maintain our relationships, we need to learn how to speak our partners' Love Languages, whether we like them for ourselves or not.
Also, the point is to introduce a concept that is, apparently, not very well known, which is the offer-counteroffer-counteroffer method of negotiation.
If you actively want to maintain a relationship (of any sort - could be friendship, could be coworkers, could be romantic, whatever) and they suggest something to you that you can't do, the considerate response where you share the emotional labor is to propose a counter-offer, not just say "I don't know" and then stop.
People need to be doing their share of emotional labor and Relationship Management in relationships.
