joreth: (social events)
2024-08-15 02:29 pm

Con Hacks: Tips & Tricks For Attending Conventions & Conferences

I have been meaning to write up a semi-permanent article about Con Hacks for so long that I didn't realize that I hadn't actually done it yet. So here's my first draft:

  1. Remember the 1-2-5 rule: Every single day get 1 shower, 2 full and balanced meals, and a minimum of 5 hours of sleep.

  2. Have a con pack that contains the following:
    • Phone, charging cable, power block, & battery backup if possible
    • ID, room key, & con badge (if not on a lanyard)
    • Painkillers, cough drops, & daily meds
    • You Met Me cards (business cards with appropriate contact info for the convention)
    • Actual pen & paper
    • Sewing kit & makeup touchup kit for costplayers & costumers
    • Safety pins & superglue
    • Snacks & water
    • Paper conference program (if available)
    • Earbuds
    • Earplugs
    • Reading glasses (even if not needed - they make great magnifiers)
    • Travel size tissues
    • Travel size wet wipes
    • Travel size hand sanitizer
    • Mask
    • Non-electric busy-maker like dead-tree book or knitting

  3. Have a spare pair of "comfy shoes" to change into.

  4. Pack or buy con food for the hotel room, some of which is to be eaten in the room and some to pack in above "con pack":
    • Mixed nuts
    • Peanut butter
    • Honey and/or non-refrigerated jam / jelly
    • Tortillas (they travel better than bread)
    • Bananas
    • Canned chicken salad or tuna
    • Fruit leather
    • Honey sticks
    • Cheese in wax (like Babybel)
    • Granola and/or protein bars
    • Dried seaweed
    • 100 calorie or "snack size" bags of chips
    • Individual cups of guac and hummus (if there is a fridge or consistent cooler available)
    • Individual cups of cereal
    • Individual cartons of shelf-stable milk
    • Breakfast pastries
    • Mini candy ("Halloween-size")
    • Bottled water
    • Coffee grounds / tea / roasted cacao grounds, scoop, & tea bags or coffee filters
    • Drink sweetener

  5. Food assuming some method of heat such as room microwave or travel slow cooker:
    • Microwave bags of seasoned rice
    • Canned chicken
    • Canned soup
    • Frozen meals if there is a freezer in the room
    • Hard-boiled eggs if there is a fridge in the room or pre-scrambled eggs in a squeeze bottle if bringing an electric burner/hob
    • Meal-prepped breakfast burritos if there is time to prepare them before con & a freezer in the room

  6. Kitchen gadgets (pick and choose according to needs, finances, & travel restrictions):
    • Electric travel kettle
    • HotLogic Mini
    • Electric induction burner / "dorm" hob
    • Mini CrockPot
    • "Dorm" size microwave
    • Electric cooler

  7. Travel pillows and blankets, personal pillowcase

  8. Towel

I, personally, find that I only need 2 kitchen gadgets: an electric kettle (mine looks like the white one top-left) -

and the HotLogic Mini -

The HotLogicMini is a soft-sided lunch-box style "slow cooker" that uses a low-temperature hot plate inside an insulated bag to heat food. It is safe to use with most containers (although I would be cautious when heating up restaurant leftovers in styrafoam containers) and even safe enough to touch without burning (but it will be hot so don't grab the plate and hold on). I have accidentally left plastic forks inside when heating, and most of the time they're fine. Occasionally they warp a little but are still usable. It is safe to travel with and can be checked or carry-on. It can be purchased with a standard wall plug or a car plug, so make sure you read the listing carefully when purchasing to get the correct plug.

Anything that has "microwave cooking instructions" can be cooked in the HotLogic, usually right in its own package without any de-packaging faffing about - just stick the whole container right inside! I will put a whole can of soup inside and eat it straight out of the can like "campfire beans". I also put a whole bag of microwave rice and a tin of canned chicken in the HotLogic together, then I drain the chicken and add it directly to the bag of rice for a wide variety of chicken-and-rice meals. Be careful, though, packages, especially metal ones, can be very hot and will need to be opened carefully because of the pressure build-up from heating.

The HotLogic is a slow cooker, so you will need somewhere to plug it in for a couple of hours (1-2 depending on if the food is frozen / raw or room-temp and cooked first). Unless you stay inside one track room all day (as I do when I'm working), this may be best to leave in your hotel room, assuming you're staying on-site.

The good news is, though, that because it's such low-temp cooking, you can leave your food in there heating all day long and it'll be fine. I once started my food heating in the morning but then at lunch time found out that management was feeding us. So I ate the free catering and forgot about my lunch until it was time to go home, leaving it heating for like 8 or 10 hours. I just put it back in the freezer overnight and reheated it the next day and it was fine. So plug in your meal before you go downstairs in the morning and pop back into your room whenever you're hungry later for a hot meal.

I have literally not had to buy my lunch at work since buying one of these more than a decade ago and I have started using it at DragonCon for the last 3 or 4 years and I love it. Many of my coworkers have them or similar items now because they are so convenient. I seriously ought to become a distributor for them or get a commission or something because of how many video techs I have talked into buying one. If I ever thought about it, I would have a box of these and a box of screen pullers to sell at every gig I work.

The electric kettle is very important for anyone who likes hot drinks. Hotel coffee pots are notoriously unsanitary, and if you like anything other than coffee, using water heated by a coffee pot (especially the k-cup type) adds a bitter coffee tinge to whatever your drinking. You can even make coffee using "homemade tea bags" out of coffee filters and steeping your grounds in your hot water like tea bags. The longer you let it steep, the stronger the drink will be. Some kettles have batteries or USB cords or act as thermoses so you can bring your kettle around with you like a large water bottle and drink down on the con floor.

For food, while your specific dietary needs may vary, if you just follow the Food Pyramid you should be able to eat a healthy diet that is suitable for a weekend or a week at con even without access to a full kitchen and from-scratch meal prep. You want a good source of protein every day, complex sugars and carbs, healthy fats, and a source of vitamins and minerals that isn't solely a daily multivitamin. I car-camped for 2 weeks with the above diet and was fine. Oh, and minimize the caffeine use. I know, fandom cons are extended parties and everyone wants to be awake for the whole thing, but seriously, keep the caffeine to the bare minimum, especially later in the day.

Plan for at least one hot meal per day (hot food seems to be important for emotional and mental health, and going without for too many days can negatively impact your mood and immune resistance abilities) and have ready access to a variety of "grazing" food throughout the day, that includes just a bit of "indulgent" food, again for mood and emotional / mental health.

To sum up -

I carry a small, lightweight, easy for me to carry all day, mini-backpack with my daily essentials and a few "just in case" items that I have found to be very helpful at conferences. I make the investment to carry or wear comfortable shoes. I practice good hygiene including bathing, deodorants, good tooth care, and good sleep practices such as plenty of sleep hours and bringing my own pillows / pillow cases and towels. And I get 1 hot meal and around 1200-1800 calories per day and some kind of food that makes me happy with the diet above (I do not need more than 1200 per day).

Drink water, buy a HotLogic if you can afford it, wear good shoes even if it doesn't work for the outfit, shower, brush your teeth, and get sleep.

 

Also, this video was made 12 years ago so there are a couple of points that are out of date, but it's still pretty applicable:

 

 

joreth: (Super Tech)
2023-11-27 06:23 pm

Costume & Wardrobe Storage Solutions For Everyone

I keep getting asked about costume storage, and I'm rewriting the same answer over and over again in costume and cosplay groups, so I decided it was past time that I made an actual blog entry about this.

I have a lot of costumes. I mean, I have A LOT of costumes. And a lot of dance clothing. And dress-up clothes. And work clothes. Let's face it ... I just have a lot of clothing in general. When I still lived in an actual dwelling, I had a 2 bedroom apartment so that I could use my entire second bedroom as a walk-in closet. I don't mean that I wanted 2 bedrooms so that I could use both closets, I mean that the whole bedroom was one giant fucking wardrobe.

After moving into an RV, I needed some kind of long-term storage option for all my clothes. After a handful of years and some trial and error, I finally came up with a system that I really like. I'm very excited about my new storage system.

I found that 28 quart "under bed storage" bins have roughly the same volume as cardboard file boxes (also called "letter boxes" and "banker boxes"), which is what I was using to store everything in before (because they were uniform in size and shape and both big enough to be useful but small enough to carry and limit the contents for weight control).

Plus, because they're longer and flatter, I can put clothing in it with fewer folds, leaving them on hangers and in garment bags and just sort of "accordion-folding" them into the plastic bin. And the plastic holds up better than the cardboard. Also, I color-coded the bin lids. My costumes are all in white bins, my regular clothing is in silver lids, and my "not one costume, but a bunch of the same item" stuff like petticoats and corsets are in green bins.


The picture is a little bit outdated - this was taken before I added several more costumes and before I really nailed down the color coding, so it's not very consistent in this picture, but it got more consistent later on.

I have one bin per costume (or one costume per bin) with all of its bits including accessories and shoes (other than those costume elements I reuse in multiple costumes, like my petticoats). Each costume gets a checklist for all the items that belong to the costume, with the line items that are stored in that bin checked off and the "shared" items not checked off so that I know to look for them in another bin.


These checkists are in a plastic sheet protector and I use wipe-off markers to write on the plastic over the paper when I check something off for an event or to make notes, so I can just wipe it all off afterwards and still have a clean checklist.

And THEN, I have every single individual clothing item and element recorded in a free, online database that includes its location.




When I go to a con, I can just pick up the bin for the costume I want to take, check the checklist to see if there are bits located elsewhere, and I take the whole bin. If I am flying instead of driving, I take the garment bag containing the costume out of the bin and pack just the garment bag with the costume.


I made a template version of my database so that anyone else can use it. All you have to do is create a free Airtable profile, then click the link that takes you to my template, and "copy" that database into your own profile. From your profile, you can edit the database however you want.

I highly recommend this method or something similar. For my non-costume clothing that needs to be stored, I put all clothing items of similar type (i.e. "club tops", "work shirts", "suits & slacks", "pants", etc.) into these bins, tight-rolling them the way that flight attendants pack their clothing (tutorials can be found on YouTube for this very efficient and compact folding method). These items are similarly catalogued into my database so I can find them later. It's truly a space-saver that also protects my clothing from pests and the elements.  It's also super useful for moving.

If you're looking for a better storage method of clothing and soft-goods, I recommend buying a bunch of under-bed storage bins and if you want to get really organized about it, some sheet protectors for checklists, some chalkboard labels for the outside of the bin, and some different color lids to color code.  Then check out my wardrobe database template for boss-level organization.
joreth: (dance)
2022-10-18 06:22 pm

Country Swing Dancing And The Systemic Obliviousness Of Men - A Compliment Becomes A Metaphor

I was given a compliment that was definitely intended as a compliment and that I'm taking as a compliment and that, even though it includes a comparison, was definitely not intended to insult the person it was comparing, but nevertheless the compliment shouldn't actually need to exist and I'm using as a metaphor for a larger conversation on gender.

I have decided that there is actually a partner dance that I don't like: country swing.  There are no patterns for the feet, it's literally a dance all about how fast and how frequently the lead can spin his partner (because gender norms).   Now, dance involves the body so a dance style that doesn't focus on memorized step patterns can still be a legitimate dance style.  But this is a dance style that is all about sequences of tricks with no concern for steps or musicality and relies on the strength of the lead to make the follow go where she is supposed to go.

And don't get me wrong but the really good country swing dancers do use step patterns and have musicality and the follows do as much work as the leads.  But that's not the social dance experience.  Usually it's a dude spinning the fuck out of some thin, young woman with no regard to how well it matches the music that's playing or whether she even knows how to do what he's making her do.  Brute force will spin her and stop her without dropping her whether she knows what to do or not.

So, there was a guy at the wedding I went to recently who claimed to be able to two-step and swing dance.  My sister grabbed him for a two-step and he was all over the place with her - no control, no musicality, just "slow-slow-quick-quick-spin-slow-slow-quick-quick-spin-spin-another spin-slow-slow-quick-quick".

When they sat down, he said that he was really rusty with the two-step and that he was better with swing.  I would rather have danced a two-step with him, but since he said he was better at swing, I asked him to swing dance with me.  So we got up and did a country swing exactly as described above - spin, spin, spin, who the fuck cares about beats and music?

I was told later that the dance with my sister looked pretty out of control and my mom was worried that he was actually going to hurt my sister, but she was amazed at how well I kept up with him.  And I kind of downplayed it because 1) my sister was never as into partner dancing as she was into line dancing; 2) she hasn't danced in a while and I try to keep up with my dancing; and 3) I know exactly what "country swing" is and I know how to handle guys who dance like that.

So I've been feeling a little pleased that I impressed people by dancing with someone who had very little control and making it look like we were less out-of-control than we really were, mainly because *I* kept control of *me*.  And it's legitimately not an insult to my sister, because he was the lead, so all problems were his fault.  She's not even a poorer dancer than I am, necessarily, he was just that bad of a lead.  I am, after all, a better follow than a dancer.

Here's the metaphor part:  Too many cishet dudes are allowed to move through life like these country boys move across the dance floor - full tilt, without regard for their surroundings, who is around them, how they impact others on the floor, how out of control they are, dominating their partner, and with no regard to the mood of the music.  And I have spent a lifetime developing the coping skills for how to keep my own feet underneath me when one of these guys swoops by and spins me around.  And that's a compliment because it is, indeed, a skill that I've worked hard at and I am a good dancer (and "dancer") because of it.

BUT I SHOULD NEVER HAVE NEEDED THAT SKILL IN THE FIRST PLACE.

I should not ever be complimented for how well I can compensate for men's failings and flailings.  Because men should not be allowed to stomp all over the floor and through life the way they do.  But so many of them do so, that we just gave it its own dance style name and genre and said "yep, that's legit, that's how you do that!"

And we have done the social equivalent of tolerating and accepting men who do that in life.

Country swing is actually a really fun style to both watch and dance, *when done well*.  But what *I* (and competition judges) think counts as "done well" and what social dancers think counts as "done well" are two very different things.  It is, and should be, a legitimate style.  But the way it's executed on a social floor is just fucking dangerous.  It may be athletic, but it's not artistic, and it's not considerate. It's performative without being connective.

So don't be one of these country swing dudes.  Pay attention to how you move through life, how you impact those around you, the space you take up, whether your partner is (or is able to) contribute equally to your partnership or are you just flinging them around with you, and for fuck's sake at least try to learn something about musicality because musicality is just emotional connection manifest physically.  With a little math.
joreth: (polyamory)
2022-10-18 06:18 pm

Reminder: Lots Of Polyamorous People Never "Opened Up" A Relationship

Reminder: A very large portion of poly people did not come to polyamory through "opening up a relationship".  There are more than one avenue to discovering polyamory.  If you never "opened up" a relationship, you are not alone, and not even a tiny minority.

I know it seems like it, because "couples who open up" are the only ones who ever get any air time, but I promise that you are part of a very large segment of the community.  I am one of them.  I never "opened up" a relationship.  I discovered my own internal desire for ethical non-monogamy when I didn't have any romantic or sexual partners at all and every relationship I got into after that point was deliberately non-monogamous from the moment I entered into it.  My partner, Franklin, has just never had a monogamous relationship in his life.

There are so many of us that we have a diverse collection of stories of how our relationships look.  My non-monogamous history looks very different from Franklin's history, even though neither of us tried to "open up" a previously monogamous relationship.  We are not a small segment of the poly community, NYT articles to the contrary.

Also, not all people who discovered polyamory for themselves while not in a couple ultimately become solo poly. Solo poly is not synonymous with "single". Just FYI.
joreth: (BDSM)
2022-08-16 11:56 am

Love And Leashes (a Netflix movie review)

I watched a Korean movie on Netflix called Love & Leashes, about a submissive guy who transfers to another department at work and meets a woman in that department who he wants to be his Master. Although she is ... "intimidating", she has never heard of BDSM before, but she finds the idea intriguing.

Korean culture is very different from USian culture, and how they conduct relationships is different. Going into this movie, I didn't know if what I was watching is actually how BDSM relationships are done in Korea or if it's more "the writers know nothing of this subject but thought it would sell a movie script", because it's definitely not how I would recommend conducting a D/s relationship here. But a USian friend of mine who has been living and teaching in Korea for the last several years chimed in to give some background:
It's based off a webtoon by an anonymous author. And the style in the movie is pretty spot on with Korean bdsm forums and the lingo in Korean is super accurate and could only be known by pretty extensive research or experience.

Even the word for fake Dom -- 변바 is in it. It's super niche bdsm slang. Same with 연디 date d/s.

When it shows twitter handles those are a few letters off from real people I know irl in Korea. The background info is... eerily exact to the real bdsm scene here.
Even not knowing if it was a culture difference or uninformed writing, 20 minutes in and it was already 50 shades more charming than the piece of shit I've been choking down lately.

The characters' motivations are clear and their behaviour is consistent with both their personalities / histories, and also with what is known about BDSM, kink culture, and kink psychology. There's no abuse happening at all - it's being led by the sub with negotiation and boundaries from the dom, there was discussion and concern about unfair power imbalances due to the work connection, and it was established that the "newbie" to BDSM had personality tendencies in this direction already and does not find kink to be disgusting or that it must be the result of some childhood trauma.

In other words, everything that is happening so far makes sense, in context.

It's very rom-comy, not erotica, and I think that helps. Trying to make her dark and foreboding as a dom would, I think, remove a lot of its charm.

It does make me miss having a puppy, though.

Some of my notes while watching it:


OTG they're so awkward! It's very endearing.

OK, her digging her red heel into his fully clothed back is so far way more erotic than every sex scene in 50 Shades combined.

Puppy play, verbal humiliation, pain, service submission, nurturing dom ... someone here has actually at the very least read about D/s and not just attended a public dungeon with play restrictions.

AFTERCARE!!!

[discussing how his last girlfriend dumped him for being into BDSM]
"Do you really enjoy all this pain and suffering?"
"It hurts ... but I still feel so alive, you know?"
"I don't get it"
[crestfallen] "It's understandable."
"I mean, if it makes the person you like feel more alive, why can't you do it for them, you know? It's not like it's anything bad."
[slow hope]
#SoMuchBetterThan50ShadesOfShit

The movie version feels very manga, without being cartoony, if that makes sense.

They are so adorkable


By the end, I felt it had remained charming the whole way through. It was very much a rom-com complete with confusion arising from not communicating and a ridiculous happy ending, but it was so very pro-kink and the leads were sweet and adorkable and endearing.

Note to all writers: this is how you write "quirky" and "relatable" characters, not by making them Hollywood pretty but having everyone else describe them as "plain" while giving them no personality but making them clumsy.  Also, don't soften a "hard" edged woman.  Not everyone who has a strong personality is using it as a wall to hide behind and keep people from getting too close, and making a woman softer and smaller is not how she finds someone to love her.  Plus, it's totally possible to be "strong" and even "hard" without being a bitch.

Also, a submissive man is not "weak".  We see the male lead here standing up to his bosses and taking control of situations when necessary but also never stepping over the women around him when he needs to be aggressive.  He supports them and uses his privileged position to make them heard, within the cultural context.

Anyone wanting to write about kink in an erotic setting where there is a conflict to overcome needs to address the idea of shame.  And unlike the current most popular example, the goal is not to reinforce the shame of the kink tendencies, but to either overcome it or to find a way to deal with social shaming in an appropriate cultural context without internalizing it.  This is a good example of one way to address shame well.
joreth: (dance)
2022-07-09 09:34 pm

If You Want A Thing You Have To Actually Do The Thing

Dance Studios:  We want more people to learn how to dance!  And come to our dance parties!

Non-dancers:  OK, well, we don't know how to dance and we're not really passionate about it, otherwise we would already be learning how to dance.  So, how do we get into this dance thing?

Studios:  Well, first spend hundreds of dollars on private lessons, and a couple of hundred on special shoes, spend several weeks in lessons and practice every moment at home, and then you can come to our dance parties where everyone there already knows how to dance!

Non-dancers:  Uh, that sounds kind of intimidating.  Don't you have, like, a group class somewhere that we can just drop in to see if we like it before we start spending all that money and committing every week?

Studios:  NO YOU MUST COMMIT IF YOU ARE TO BECOME A *DANCER*!

Non-dancers:  OK, well, we weren't really interested in becoming a Dancer, we just thought learning a couple of dance moves might be fun.  You're the one asking for people to show up to your events.

Studios:  *Fine*, we'll add a lesson at the beginning of our dance parties.  We'll teach the same 3 steps over and over again for every dance party that we throw, and then we'll immediately open the dance floor to people who have been dancing for years and just throw you into the mix where you have to ask experts to dance with you and try to keep up with other experts moving around the floor.   How's that?

Non-dancers:  Yeah, didn't solve the whole "intimidating" problem.  We'll just stick to asking our token dancer friend to show us a few moves, and then never practice them again.

#IfYouWantPeopleToDoYourActivityYouHaveToMakeItAccessible



Non-Dance Friends:  Ooh, We've always wanted to dance!  Will you teach us?

Dancers:  Well, there are lessons available, and for safety you'll need suitable dance shoes.

Friends:  We don't want to spend any money, so can you just show us some things?

Dancers:  Well, you also need the space to do it, and that's my personal time that I'm giving up.  Renting space costs money, and if I teach for a living, you're asking me to do my job for free.  Plus, we already know that you need repetition to actually *learn* things.  If you really want to learn how to dance, you need to practice regularly.

Friends:  Nah, that's too much work and we're too busy with things that we prioritize higher.

[some time later]

Friends:  Ooh, we've always wanted to learn how to dance!

Dancers:  Well, there are lessons and dance events available...

#FromTheOtherSide #WeLoveToShareOurPassionButItTakesReciprocalEffort
joreth: (being wise)
2022-07-09 08:12 pm

We Need An Online "I Am / You Are Flooded, Shut Up" Option

*Sigh*  Normally I have no problem blocking people who are becoming a pain in the ass, but when it's a *friend* who says *several times* that he will back out of an argument and then refuses to do so, sometimes I have to hang up the phone for him.  But I'd rather not, and it hurts to do it.

I already know that when I lose my temper, I'll say things that I will later regret.  So when I back out of an argument, I back out.  I know that I can't be trusted to have a productive conversation when I'm too emotionally invested in my position to really hear the other side.   If you have the foresight to know that about yourself too, then seriously, back out when you say you're going to.  Because I guarantee, no matter what the person on the other side of the argument is like, you will only make things worse if you stay in an argument past the point that even you recognize that you need to take a break from it.

The other person could be the best, most calm and collected arguer ever, or they could be a total douchebag, and either way, if you're not in the right emotional space for the argument, anything you say is going to make things worse.  Which is why I back out when I'm getting pissed off.  Unfortunately, though, online spaces don't offer very good ways to "back out" and they rely on the other person's cooperation or nuking them.

I wish FB had an option to just, say, put someone in a time-out.  I mean, I know that you can unblock people later, but it's so ... final, so harsh.  Maybe I just want to stop someone from talking at me for a while.  It's like, if you're in an argument with someone in person, you can leave the room.  But if you're in an argument with someone at a *party*, then you have to either leave the party to prevent them from following you around the party to continue arguing or kick them out of the party.

Sometimes, neither is an acceptable option for the circumstances.  Sometimes, I just want someone to stop talking at me while I go into the "quiet room" at the party, or go talk with someone else on the other side of the room.  I can turn off FB for a while and let them rant and rave at an empty inbox, but then I can't wander around FB.  That's me leaving the party.  Besides, then they're still ranting and raving and those messages will be there when I get back.  Leaving might prevent *me* from saying something I don't want to say, but it doesn't make someone else take the space they need but won't take.  And obviously I can't kick *them* off FB (nor would I want to).

Unfriending & unfollowing aren't always the right options either.  When the problem is that someone I know posts shit that I don't want to see, then those are two reasonable options.  But when the problem is that someone keeps talking at me, unfriending and unfollowing don't prevent that.  I don't necessarily want to stop seeing *them*, nor do I necessarily want them to stop seeing *me*.  I want them to lose the ability to contact me for the moment, either DM or comments or tagging me.

And, maybe I don't *want* to actually unfriend someone.   I grew up understanding that friends and family argue sometimes, and it's not the end of the relationship.  Sometimes those arguments are some pretty ugly fights, even, and it still doesn't mean that the relationship *has* to end over it.

I've been reading some stuff (citations not at hand atm, but check out The Gottman Institute for more on that) that suggests that there is a point in an argument at which nothing productive is happening because the participants are "flooded", meaning too emotional, and taking a break at that point significantly increases the chances of a resolution post-break.  My family did this intuitively.  I think it's one of the reasons why I maintain such strong emotional ties to members of my family who have such different worldviews from me.

Sometimes I just don't want to be in *this* argument right *now* and the other person doesn't seem to have the self-control to stop arguing.  But, for whatever reason, I don't want to nuke the relationship.  It would be nice to have, like, a 24-hour Wall of Silence, where neither of us can message each other or comment on each other's posts, until we've both had some space and time to calm down.   But, y'know, you're still friends, and maybe you can even still see each other's posts and still interact in groups or mutual friends' comment threads.  You just can't PM them or talk *in their space*.

But as long as people can't seem to help themselves and continue talking at others past the point where even they recognize that they are not in the right frame of mind to be continuing the conversation, I have to resort to blocking.

And I don't like that.   There's not enough nuance in our online responses, and I think that hurts us individually and as communities.
joreth: (feminism)
2022-07-09 07:23 pm

Feminist Country Music

Country music has a bad reputation for being pretty misogynistic.  The current crop of pop country is especially bad about that, sparking an epidemic of songs about girls in tight shorts who do nothing but sit in the cabs of pickup trucks.  But like most genres, country is actually pretty diverse and has a prestigious lineage of feminist music.  I've been building a playlist of "feminist" country music and I'm up to more than 50 songs so far.

Unlike Hollywood, however, this list is nuanced and shaded.  The movies would have us believe that there are only 2 kinds of feminist representations - the badass Strong Female Character who can kick ass (except when she needs to be rescued by the leading man, of course) and has no other personality, and the man-hating harpy.

But this playlist shows many sides to the "strong woman".  It's not all about women beating up their abusive men in retribution, although those songs exist too.  In many places, it intersects with classism (although, to be fair, it's still predominantly white, as is the larger country genre, but there is one song in there about interracial relationships at a time when they were still taboo), where sometimes some ideals have to be sacrificed for the more immediate need of survival. Sometimes it's not about triumphing at all, but about existing in a misogynistic society.

There are tales of revenge, of liberation, of parenthood, of singlehood, of being caged, of sexual freedom, of running out of choices, of standing up to authority, of making the system work in her favor, of rejecting her circumstances, of accepting her circumstances and making the best of them, of birth control and abortion and sex, of career options and motherhood choices, of sorrow and pride and love and heartache and loneliness and optimism.

They are all stories of being a woman. This is what feminism looks like.

joreth: (Default)
2022-07-09 06:17 pm

Everyone Should Have A User Manual - Get Creative About It!

Just FYI: I have a "user manual" for myself. The long, in-depth version is a tag in my blog for all the blog posts that are about me at https://joreth.dreamwidth.org/tag/me%20manual and a shorthand "cliff notes" version is built from a template created by Cunning Minx and can be found in its own blog entry at https://joreth.dreamwidth.org/301768.html.

I have yet another sort of Me Manual in the form of a YouTube playlist of songs that I feel represent me or some aspect of me.  I call this Joreth's Theme Music and it can be found at www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLMySpg8nvA5OSIHTfi6XwgQdbEQSyLjoq



I also have a playlist of songs that represent my biggest frustrations and topics that are very personal to me.  I call this playlist my Killing Spree Playlist, as I jokingly refer to the playlist I would have on my iPod if I some day finally snapped and decided to climb a water tower with a sniper rifle.  This can be found at www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLMySpg8nvA5Ml3lMWhzUJMc78UVwnd8gM



I highly recommend creating your own Me Manual or User Manual.  You can use the very convenient form that Minx offers or you can create your own.  Sharing yourself through song or other forms of art is an interesting and creative way to supplement a more plain-speaking sort of Me Manual like the text-based Q&A template that Minx offers.

I then also encourage everyone to share them with prospective partners, current partners, and friends, and I encourage everyone to *read* the user manuals of their lovers and friends.
joreth: (boxed in)
2022-07-09 03:30 pm

How To Help Someone Who Is Suicidal

www.helpguide.org/articles/suicide-prevention/suicide-prevention.htm

I decided to start being open with my depression and my occasional bouts with suicidal thoughts. I decided to do this when I acknowledged that it is possible to continue to *live* while still being suicidally depressed. I acknowledge and accept that these thoughts are part of my condition and that I don't have to act on them. That makes it easier for me to talk about it publicly.

But because so many suicidal people do not talk about their depression or their thoughts, a lot of people are under the impression that, because I might mention something about death or hopelessness, I must therefore be in danger. Really, it's when I don't talk about it that I'm probably in the most danger.

And then I get all the usual reactions to people who have no idea how to handle other people having complex emotions, which is bad enough, but it's compounded by the fact that I'm not actually in any immediate danger so I don't *need* that assistance even if it was helpful, which it isn't.

A lot of the things on this list don't apply to me because of my decision to talk publicly about choosing to live while having suicidal thoughts. My talking about death isn't a "warning signal", but it might be for someone else. I'm talking about death because I can't handle needing to comfort other people with their own fears and concerned feelings about me while I'm also going through my own struggles with my own feelings. I can't do the emotional labor for the both of us anymore.

So I'm talking about it to normalize talking about difficult subjects so that the rest of y'all can learn how to do your own emotional labor so that you can better support those people you're feeling all those concerned feelings about instead of making us try to make you feel better when we feel like shit first.

So, even though a lot of this article doesn't apply to me, personally, I'm sure they apply to other people, and this list of Don'ts is particularly applicable to me.

"But don’t:
  • Argue with the suicidal person. Avoid saying things like: "You have so much to live for," "Your suicide will hurt your family," or "Look on the bright side."

  • Act shocked, lecture on the value of life, or say that suicide is wrong.

  • Promise confidentiality. Refuse to be sworn to secrecy. A life is at stake and you may need to speak to a mental health professional in order to keep the suicidal person safe. If you promise to keep your discussions secret, you may have to break your word.

  • Offer ways to fix their problems, or give advice, or make them feel like they have to justify their suicidal feelings. It is not about how bad the problem is, but how badly it’s hurting your friend or loved one.

  • Blame yourself. You can’t “fix” someone’s depression. Your loved one’s happiness, or lack thereof, is not your responsibility."
I especially love this line here: "It is not about how bad the problem is, but how badly it’s hurting your friend or loved one."

One further note on the warning of antidepressants. When I went through my therapy the last time, the doctor began to prescribe something for me that would increase my "motivation", but literally in the middle of writing the prescription, I said something or other that made her change her mind and she prescribed something to lift my mood first but that wouldn't necessarily give me more motivation.

(No, I have no memory of what either drug was or what the mechanism was to isolate those two specific emotions. I did some research later and it lined up with what she said, but now I'm left only with the memory of the *effect* of this conversation, not the details. So accept it on face value).

The thing is, that I had at that point reached a place where I was a high risk. I was willing to die. But I couldn't get up the motivation to actually get up off the floor of my storage unit, where I had fallen to sob hysterically, to reach for my gun on the upper shelf. That lack of motivation was, literally, the only reason I didn't die that night. It was just too much effort to go through with it.

So, later, I went to the therapist and we discussed options and she changed her mind on what drug to give me in the middle of the session. Now see, my depression is situational, not necessarily my brain chemistry. And my situation changed shortly thereafter. So we don't really know if the drug worked or I just got out of that depression on my own.

But what I do know is that my *mood* lifted before I gained back my motivation to do stuff. It was still some time later before I could feel motivated about things, I just didn't feel so *hopeless* anymore. And that's when I did some research about the drugs we talked about and the incidents of people who accomplish their suicides after they begin taking antidepressants.

So I now believe that there are 2 parts to suicidal depression: a lack of hope, and a lack of motivation. And I believe that if a person who is suicidal ever gets their motivation to do stuff back before they lose their sense of despair and hopelessness, that's what causes them to take their own lives.

And if we're prescribing them shit that makes them feel motivated to do stuff but they haven't gotten over whatever makes them feel hopeless as fast as they gain their motivation, that may contribute to why people suicide after taking antidepressants.

So if you know someone who is suicidal and who is finally convinced to start taking medication, be aware of this motivation / mood split.
joreth: (feminism)
2022-07-06 09:28 pm

Conscious Consumerism Is A Lie. Here's A Better Way To Help Save The World.

https://qz.com/920561/conscious-consumerism-is-a-lie-heres-a-better-way-to-help-save-the-world

"Conscious consumerism is a lie. Small steps taken by thoughtful consumers—to recycle, to eat locally, to buy a blouse made of organic cotton instead of polyester—will not change the world."

"Making series of small, ethical purchasing decisions while ignoring the structural incentives for companies’ unsustainable business models won’t change the world as quickly as we want. It just makes us feel better about ourselves."

"There’s also the issue of privilege. The sustainability movement has been charged with being elitist—and it most certainly is. You need a fair amount of disposable income to afford ethical and sustainable consumption options, the leisure time to research the purchasing decisions you make, the luxury to turn up your nose at 95% of what you’re offered, and, arguably, a post-graduate degree in chemistry to understand the true meaning behind ingredient labels."

"Choosing fashion made from hemp, grilling the waiter about how your fish was caught, and researching whether your city can recycle bottle caps might make you feel good, reward a few social entrepreneurs, and perhaps protect you from charges of hypocrisy. But it’s no substitute for systematic change."

"But when it comes to combating climate change, pollution, and habitat destruction, what we need to do is take the money, time, and effort we spend making these ultimately inconsequential choices and put it toward something that really matters."

"So if you really care about the environment, climb on out of your upcycled wooden chair and get yourself to a town hall meeting." And I would add to support science education and bone up on some heavy science yourself so that when you do go to a town hall meeting, you'll know what you're talking about and can propose solutions that are based in reality and more likely to work, like supporting gmo food, vaccinations, geologically relevant climate change policies, and functional education.
joreth: (boxed in)
2022-02-16 03:47 pm

Malicious Compliance & Public Speaking

There have been a lot of rumblings in my various communities about the lack of accessibility for basically everyone other than straight white educated cismen. One popular option that a lot of people are choosing to take these days (and I wholeheartedly support them) is to look at the speaker lineup, and if they are the only POC or woman or disabled person or whatever on the lineup, then to decline the invitation to speak.

Another option is to do the same thing as a guest. A third / fourth option is to do the same thing *as* straight, white, cismen and to do it publicly as a way to give up your seat for someone who is not (especially if your "seat" is on a panel or podium discussing accessibility issues).

As I said, I support this choice completely. However, the consequence of all POC and women and disabled people et. al. refusing to participate is that these events *remain* white, straight, male, and able-bodied.

So, if we are a member of an underrepresented demographic, and we get invited (or accepted) to speak at an event where the speaker lineup has less diversity than we'd like, and we have the spoons or the matches or the hit points for it, and our lecture topics work this way, I'd like to propose doing more of this in addition to our boycotts.

Give our lectures and workshops and panels in ways that absolutely do not benefit the people who are not us but that do benefit the people we are trying to make these events more accessible for.

This will not be applicable to everyone who speaks. It's most easily demonstrated with something like hearing loss because accommodating people with hearing difficulties tends to be *inconvenient* for people who can hear, whereas many other forms of accommodation benefit everyone or most people even those who do not *need* the accommodation.

One of the things that I do is, in my Simple Steps workshop, where we take dancing exercises and learn how to apply them as actual communication tools, we deliberately arrange this hands-on workshop so that men have to touch other men.  Everyone other than straight cismen is socialized to allow some form of physical contact (often whether it's wanted or not), but straight cismen get to indulge in their homophobia because of the homophobic culture.

So we do not accommodate them.  They are forced out of their comfort zone in our workshop.

Obviously, this has limitations.  People who have mental health issues regarding physical contact will find our workshop difficult for them. We made a choice to focus on this one issue, and the nature of the workshop is to be hands-on and interactive.  But the same goes for the ASL speaker in the original meme here - people who have eyesight problems would have had difficulty in his lecture too.

Another thing that I do is I make many of the events I host to be either child-friendly or low-cost / free (or both) because poverty is one of my pet SJ issues.  I am not a fan of children.  But I make as many of my events child-friendly because I know how expensive child-care is and how difficult it can be to participate in a community when everything costs money and time and there are children at home.  Children running around an event is inconvenient to many adults.  But without childcare options, poor people (and mostly women) are left out. 

I will be considering some of my more popular lectures and workshops to see if I can adapt them to make them less convenient for various target audiences, to illustrate this point.  If there is a way to make your lectures more accommodating to the people you are representing while simultaneously making it less accommodating to the non-representative audience, please consider this act of civil rebellion in lieu of just not participating at all.

If we want separate spaces, that's one thing, but if we're asking for more inclusivity, some of us have to be the ones to barge through the door. Otherwise, the room will remain monochrome because we've all decided that forcing the door open is too much effort.

No photo description available.

Event Organizer: We're sorry, there won't be interpreters at the event where you are presenting about Deaf things, sign language, and interpreting.
 
Me: No problem, I'll present in ASL without interpretation. Hearing people will have to get by.

EO: Ummm ...

I presented for 25 minutes, and opened with a couple of slides in written English that explained the situation. Told them to stay, so that they could "learn a lesson they didn't come here for." They all did.
joreth: (feminism)
2022-02-16 11:16 am

How Can I Make My Child Do My Hobby And Not My Spouse's Hobby?

www.quora.com/What-can-I-do-if-my-wife-teaches-my-daughter-piano-but-I-want-her-to-do-gymnastics/answer/Joreth-Innkeeper

Q. What can I do if my wife teaches my daughter piano but I want her to do gymnastics?

A.
What does your daughter want?

She’s a human being.  Her desires for her body, time, emotions, etc. are the only ones that matter here.  If you’re funding her activities, you can technically be allowed to place limitations on them based on what you're willing to pay for, but as for encouraging her what TO do (as opposed to what not to do)? That’s all her.

Your interest in your daughter pursuing gymnastics is completely irrelevant.  So is your wife’s interest in teaching her piano.

Find out what YOUR DAUGHTER wants to do and stop treating her like an extension of yourself that you get to force into doing whatever it is you’d rather be doing but, for whatever reason, aren’t doing yourself.

If she wants to learn piano, then that’s what she should learn.  If she wants to do gymnastics, then that’s what she should do.  If she wants to do both, then find a way to allow her to do both If she wants to do neither, then suck it up and treat her like the human person she is, and encourage her in her endeavors like a responsible, loving parent.

She is not your doll, to dress up in the profession and hobby you want her to do.  She is a person.  She gets to make the decisions about how she spends her time and what she puts her body through.

Honestly, these parents who think their children are extensions of themselves instead of human beings in their own right!  This is how you get adult children who stop talking to their parents.

Respect her autonomy.  She’ll be a much more loving daughter if you respect her.
joreth: (sex)
2022-02-15 03:39 pm

How Can I Convince Him To Let Me...

I do not believe in "converting" people to polyamory, or any other relationship style or sexuality for that matter. I don't believe it can be done and I believe that attempting to do so is inherently coercive. I believe people have the right to choose whatever relationship style or sexual behaviour they want, no matter what it is or why they choose it, with the exception of anything that violates other people's agency (sorry, you don't have the right to choose to force young boys to give you blowjobs behind the alter just because you're their priest, you just don't).

You can *introduce* people to new things, but I don't think you can *convert* them to something they're not or don't have their own internal motivation to try and become. And I would rather not have these people being pushed into my communities because they flail around and smack up everyone who gets near them. If you don't want to try it, then don't. Please, don't. Stay out of my communities unless you actually want to be there.

www.quora.com/How-can-I-convince-my-husband-to-let-me-sleep-with-other-men-He-has-slept-with-many-women-before-our-marriage-and-I-am-jealous-that-I-did-not-have-that-experience/answer/Joreth-Innkeeper

Q. How can I convince my husband to let me sleep with other men? He has slept with many women before our marriage and I am jealous that I did not have that experience.

A.
You can't "convince" him. At worst, that would be coercion. You can lay out your desires and your reasons for them, and then you can A) accept his decision to not consent to an open marriage, B) accept his acceptance of an open marriage, C) cheat, or D) leave.

You have to decide, ultimately, what is more important to you - having other sexual experiences or remaining married. When you know what your answer to that question is, then you will know how to proceed with talking to your husband about deconstructing and reconstructing your marriage into an open one ("Opening Up" A Relationship Doesn't Work, Try This Method Instead - https://joreth.dreamwidth.org/375573.html)

If your marriage is more important, then be prepared for him to say that he does not want an open marriage and you will have to give up your fantasy. If the sexual encounters are more important, then be prepared for him to say that he does not want an open marriage and you will have to divorce him if you want to remain an ethical person.

You are allowed to have your desires. But he is also allowed to only consent to the kind of relationships that he wants to have. Once you know where the line in the sand is drawn, you can share that information with him so that he can make an informed decision about what kind of relationship he will engage in with you.

Just be careful not to make it an ultimatum (Can Polyamorous Hierarchies Be Ethical pt. 2 - Influence & Control - https://joreth.dreamwidth.org/349226.html). This shouldn't be a way to control the outcome of the discussion. You shouldn't go into it thinking "you better let me have other sexual partners or else I will divorce you!" That's punitive. If you are relying on the threat of divorce to get your way, that's coercion.

But if his "no" is an equally acceptable answer to his "yes", then saying "honey, I love you, but this is a thing I really need to do for myself, and if you don't want to share this journey with me, I'll understand, but I do have to travel this path one way or another and I hope I can share it with you" is not an act of coercion, it's an act of love and acceptance and of giving him the information he needs to make a decision. He might not feel that way in the moment, though. Sometimes it's hard to see the difference.

There are tons of books and forums and websites everywhere that can help people wrap their brains around open relationships. I'm sure others will share those resources in the comments. You can try giving him those resources and see if that helps. My favorite is the book More Than Two (www.MoreThanTwo.com).

But ultimately, you cannot "convince" someone to have an open relationship. Dragging a partner into any kind of relationship they don't want grudgingly makes things much worse. That goes in both directions, btw. You staying in a monogamous relationship grudgingly will make everything worse for you both too. Should you decide that your marriage is ultimately more important than having extramarital sexual relationships, make sure you own that choice. Make that choice *yours*, not something he forced you into. Don't frame it as "he won't let me have sex with other men", frame it as a choice you made to be with him. Otherwise, you might end up losing the marriage anyway.

First, look at all the worst case scenarios - you have other lovers and get divorced, you stay with him and feel resentful, you cheat and damage your integrity, his trust, and possibly get divorced anyway, etc. - and decide which worst case scenario is the one you are most willing to risk. Then come to your husband with that in mind. Lay it all out for him, including the consequences for what happens if he doesn't give his consent, so that he can make an informed decision.

And then live with your choices.
joreth: (feminism)
2022-02-15 12:53 pm

Men Think #MeToo Ruined the Art of Flirting

www.harpersbazaar.com/culture/politics/a19598317/men-cant-get-a-date-because-of-feminism-metoo-movement/
"But if you are a man who can't get a date with someone who actually likes you, it's not because of feminism. It's because you are someone people do not want to date. Possibly because you spend a lot of time whining about how women having rights has made dating impossible for you."

"Basically, this means that men have to be someone who people want to date. They can not simply exist, as a man."

"This is one of the first eras where men have to bring something to the dating and flirting table beyond the very fact of their being a male who is willing to date a women. Which means that they have to actually respond to women's cues. They have to learn how to read women."

"Women have accepted, from birth, the notion that dating is about bringing qualities to the table. ...Maybe it's about time men started doing the same."
And no, men, "bringing home the bacon", "being a provider", and "doesn't beat her" are not sufficient qualities you can bring to the table. For some women they might be *necessary* qualities, but they're not sufficient.

Like being "nice", it's a *baseline*. It's the bare minimum required for us to not automatically disqualify you, but it's not enough to put you in the running. You still have to be an interesting person and you still have to pay attention to your partner.
joreth: (polyamory)
2022-02-15 12:11 pm

Feel Your Feelings Then Choose The Relationship To Match

https://www.instagram.com/p/BVOHz8YhnWU/Answering that last question about casual sex without feelings verbalized something that I felt but hadn't quite brought to the forefront of my brain yet.

I have always been confused by people who ask things like how to have casual sex without developing feelings. And I think it's because they're coming at it from literally the opposite direction as I do.

I don't have casual sex and then try to make my feelings match. I have casual sex BECAUSE CASUAL ARE MY FEELINGS.

They're choosing the structure and then trying to shoehorn the feelings in to match the structure.

I'm looking at my feelings and going "what structure works best with these feelings?" and then I have that kind of relationship.

And it occurs to me that this is exactly the same problem as the Unicorn Hunters and like every poly newbie ever. They're all picking a structure first and then interviewing people for a job position that requires a mandatory suite of emotions.

Whether it's casual sex or emotionally intimate partnerships, I have the feelings first, and then pick the structure to match. If a person is simply not prone to high sexual attraction / low emotional attachment, then by having the feelings first and choosing a matching structure, they will, just by the "signal flow" if you will, rarely or never have casual sex.

If a person tends to have high sexual attraction for people without a strong emotional attachment, and they have the feelings first and pick the structure to match, then they will just naturally have lots of casual sex without "catching feelings".

But if a person picks the structure first, and either they pick a structure that runs contrary to their natural tendencies of sexual attraction vs. emotional attachment or they are the sort of person that is capable of a variety of mixtures of those two things, then they try to fit people into the structure, they are likely to wind up having the "wrong" feelings for the type of relationships they are in.

And then, if that person has any sense of entitlement or lack of respect for their partners' agency, they are likely to use that relationship structure to coerce their partners into something they don't want.

This is being girlfriendzoned. This is when someone sabotages condoms to get someone pregnant to keep them around. This is when they dismiss the other person's feelings with "you knew the rules when you signed up". This is cowboying and cuckooing.

We, as a culture, pick our relationship structures first and then try to fit people in them. We do this with friends, with intimate partnerships, and with fuckbuddies.

Don't do that.

Feel your feelings, and then pick the relationship structure to match. If you don't have casual-sex-feelings, then don't get into a casual sex relationship. That's how this works. It doesn't work by getting into a casual sex relationship first and then trying to prevent yourself from developing feelings other than casual-sex-feelings.

I don't worry about "catching feelings" for my casual sex partners because the whole reason they are casual sex partners is because the feelings I have for them are casual-sex-feelings. I'm not going to "catch feelings" because I already HAVE feelings. The feelings I have are casual sex ones. I have high sexual attraction + low emotional connection feelings. That's why it's a casual sex relationship.

This doesn't mean that my feelings absolutely won't change over time, but that's a different discussion. All relationships metamorphose over time. My point is that the reason why people have such a hard time with the concept of casual sex and how to handle "catching feelings" is the same reason why certain types of poly people try to prescript their relationships into equilateral triads or whatever - they pick the structure first and then try to find people to fit.

You will have much more success in all your relationships if you have your feelings first and then pick the relationship to match. And "casual-sex-feelings" are valid feelings. There is no need to prevent "catching feelings" in the event of a casual sex relationship if the feelings you have are the ones that match.

Image at www.instagram.com/p/BVOHz8YhnWU/
joreth: (sex)
2022-02-15 11:26 am

How To Not Catch Teh Feelz In Casual Sex

www.quora.com/How-do-I-keep-from-falling-in-love-with-my-fwb/answer/Joreth-Innkeeper

Q. How do you handle a casual sex relationship without developing feelings?

A.
You don't. You can't control your feelings. Your feelings will do what they will. When I have casual sex, it's *because I don't have a strong emotional connection*, not the other way around. I don't get into a sexual relationship and then try to keep my emotions casual. I have a low emotional connection to someone with a high sexual connection, so I structure the relationship to be a casual sex one because *those ARE my feelings for them*.

Some people just seem to be wired to have their emotional connections and their sexual attractions linked in some way - either having sex causes an emotional attachment or they can't have sexual attraction without that emotional connection first (see: demisexual).

I am not one of those people. I can have sex with or without emotional attachment and I can have emotional attachment with or without sex. If I start a relationship under one premise and then discover that my feelings about the relationship fall under another premise, I discuss with my partner what our options are. If they are open to renegotiating the relationship to match, then great!

If not, I decide if it's possible for me to just have my feelings while in a relationship that doesn't match. My feelings are my own. They are not the responsibility of the other person to manage, and I do not have to act upon them. I can have whatever feelings I have, I can feel them, experience them, lean into them, and my behaviour is whatever I believe is most appropriate for the situation.

I have had romantic feelings for a number of people who did not return my feelings, so we maintained a platonic friendship for a long time. I did not pressure them to get into a different sort of relationship with me, I did not remind them of my feelings for them (thereby making them uncomfortable), I did not behave in any way other than platonically, I did not pine away for them, I did not plot or scheme to use our friendship as a vehicle to steer, convince, or "trick" them into another kind of relationship, I just felt what I felt, and I appreciated the friendship for being what it was.

Sometimes I have romantic feelings for a casual sex partner that are not compatible with remaining in a casual sex relationship, for some reason. Wanting something different from them makes what I *do* have with them feel hollow or inappropriate. When that happens, I have to end the casual relationship for my own well-being. I do not stay in a casual relationship hoping that, if I just stick around long enough and am good enough in bed, he'll eventually come around and give me the kind of relationship I'm really hoping for.

You can't control your feelings, you can only control your behaviour. You can't stop yourself from "catching" feelings, if that's just what your feelings want to be. You can reduce exposure to certain activities that might encourage emotional bonding, such as not having any in-depth conversations, not going out in public together in ways that feel like "a date", meeting at neutral locations, not meeting their parents or friends, etc.

But if your feelings are going to develop through sexual activity, there's nothing you can do about that. Have a conversation with them to see if they'd be amenable to a more emotionally intimate relationship with you if that happens.

If they are not, you choose - continue to have a sexual relationship without a reciprocal emotional attachment from them and enjoy it for what it is without pressuring, cajoling, convincing, coercing, or hoping for something "more"; or end the sexual relationship if you are not happy having one with them where they don't reciprocate your emotional attachment.

But the best way to minimize the odds of developing an emotional attachment to a casual sex partner is to not get into casual sex relationships when you have an emotional attachment to them in the first place. Get into casual sex relationships *because the feelings you have for them are casual sex feelings*. Those are legitimate feelings to have for a person.

It's not a "lack" of feelings, it's a particular type of feeling. You may still catch teh feelingz, but, for most of us, if we're capable of having that particular kind of feeling in the first place, we are less likely to be the sorts of people who develop emotional connections just because we're having sex with someone. Our sexual-attachment-without-emotional-connection-feelings are real, valid, legitimate feelings in their own right.

People who tend to develop emotional attachment through sexual relationships tend not to really feel that low-emotional-attachment-high-sexual-connection in the first place, so they are always fighting the development of what's more natural for them to feel. I don't have to fight that because I am already feeling the feelings that are appropriate for the relationship style that I'm in.

So, have the feelings first (or at least, recognize the potential of what your feelings might want to become), and then structure the relationship to accommodate. Have casual sex relationships *because you have casual sex feelings*. Trying to structure the relationship first and then force your feelings to fit the structure is often a recipe for disaster.
joreth: (being wise)
2022-02-15 10:54 am

When Doesn't A Pre-Nup Work?

www.quora.com/When-doesn-t-a-pre-nup-work/answer/Joreth-Innkeeper

Q.   When doesn't a pre-nup work?
Joreth Innkeeper, is currently writing a book with her ex on how to break up

A.  Times when a pre-nup doesn't work:
  1. When you don't have one / haven't signed one / don't use a proper pre-nup form, etc

  2. When you don't disclose or include something so that it's not accounted for in the contract and/or it can be contested in court because it wasn't disclosed or included.

  3. When you focus only on tangible or liquid assets and then you start a business with your spouse but don't include any exit strategies on how to divide up the business in case of divorce.

  4. When you're talking about things with emotional value, sentimental value, or intangible things like the well-being of the participants.

  5. When it's clearly one-sided and a judge rules that it's not a fair protection of both parties and is therefore null.

  6. When it's signed under duress or false pretenses or otherwise one or more signer is not eligible by law to sign a legal contract.

  7. When it's not valid in the region or jurisdiction under which you are trying to enact it.
Since I am not a lawyer, do not take anything I've said as legal advice. I may be wrong, and I am certainly not familiar with contract law in any region I haven’t tried to engage in contracts under.

GET A PRENUP. GET A PRENUP. GET A PRENUP. GET A PRENUP.

I can’t stress that enough. I don’t care how much in love you are or how pure of heart you both are, if you are going to entangle yourself legally with another person, get your exit strategy down on paper in the most legal way possible, and do it while y’all still like each other so that it’s written as fair as possible.

No one has ever walked down the aisle and thought “I bet this person whom I love dearly with all my heart and am choosing today to commit to for the rest of my life will probably turn out to be a raging douchebag and someday try to leave me penniless.” Every single person in divorce court, at one time, thought the person they are now squaring off across the table with was a decent human being.

If you turn out to be right, and your spouse is a decent human being, then this is just a piece of paper that probably does nothing more than spark a conversation between the two of you about entangled finances, turning some implicit assumptions into an explicit discussion about expectations and intentions. Yay!

If you turn out to be wrong, this document could save your ass, or even your life. And you don’t want to wait until after you discover that you were wrong to also discover that you have no safety net.

By the way, there is also such a thing as a “post-nup”, although that’s not what it’s called (it’s not technically called a “pre-nup” either, but most people know what you’re talking about when you say that). It’s basically the exact same thing as a prenup except all the verb tenses reflect the fact that the marriage has already happened.

Like a will, the very last document signed is the one that rules in the courts. It is to your benefit to revisit your prenup after the wedding periodically and update it as a post-nup with however your assets have changed over time.

And if you got married without a prenup, you can still get a post-nup. Just like responsible adults have hard conversations about wills and what to do with assets in case of death, you should have this conversation with your partners in case of separation too.

This doesn’t have to be framed as “so, I’ve been thinking about divorcing you, and I thought we should hammer out the details early.” Nobody says “so, I’ve been thinking about intentionally dying in the next few years and I thought we should work out how to handle my arrangements now.”

Just be a grown-up and sit down to discuss worst-case scenarios with your partner - you know, that person who you pledged yourself to supposedly because they were your “best friend”? If you can’t have these kinds of hard conversations with your life partner, your helpmeet, your “best friend”, your soulmate, well … perhaps you shouldn’t have chosen this one to marry and these documents are more necessary than you think.
joreth: (being wise)
2021-09-23 03:59 pm

You Do Not Have To Sacrifice Style And Comfort In Shoes

Look, I get it ... the shoe industry and in particular *women's* shoe industry is bullshit. I could go on a rant for days about the history of shoes, of women's shoes, the patriarchy, and the predatory fashion industry. And, on top of that, both "comfortable" and "attractive" are subjective. No matter what any individual person says about any individual shoe, there will be someone who disagrees on either it's comfort or its style or both.

So I am going to share some shoes that *I* find both attractive and comfortable, and within what *I* consider a "reasonable" price range. Any, all, or none of this may apply to you, but if you're looking for feminine style shoes that are not painful to wear and won't break your bank, here is one place from where you can begin your own investigation. I've shared several of these options before, but I'm revisiting the topic.

I just finished documenting all of my shoes for my Wardrobe Database and I thought y'all could benefit from my having pictures to reference. Let's start with shoes as close to "typical feminine shoes" as possible - dance shoes.

Dance shoes are, for all intents and purposes, regular dressy shoes, but with 2 very important differences: construction and sole. Dance shoes are constructed slightly differently to accommodate the unique stresses that dancing puts on shoes. Usually this means "higher quality", but it definitely means "more durable" and sometimes "longer lasting", depending on how you wear them. I have a whole page about the quality and purpose of dance shoe construction located at https://sites.google.com/site/orlandoballroomdance/FAQ/danceshoes.

The other issue is the sole. With dance shoes, you have to pay attention to what the soles are made of. If they’re hard leather or vegan plastic/resin type stuff, you can wear them anywhere but if they have suede on the bottom, they can only be worn on hardwood floors. I try to buy my dance shoes with leather or vegan soles, and if necessary, I can take my shoes into any cobbler (shoe repair place) and ask to have leather put on. I just have to be clear and make sure they understand that I do not want suede (also called "chromed").

So, with that in mind, dance shoes tend to be way more comfortable than comparable dress shoes.  I would put them in the "expensive" category, but people who typically buy designer shoes might classify them as "mid-range" at around $80-$200. All of mine have been in the $80-$120 range. But they last for years and I treat them like sporting equipment - if you want to play the sport, you need to invest in quality safety gear.

In addition to that, there are places where you can pick a base style, and then custom choose the strap style, fabric options, and heel height, and if you get the vegan soles you can wear them on any surface including outdoors. What makes this so important is that heel height and strap style. I grew up in the '80s, in the era of the slender, delicate, stiletto heel pump.

So I really like the look of the delicate pumps with skinny heels, but I really don't like wearing *tall* heels. Being able to specify a short (like, 1.5-inch) heel in a slender flare has been terrific for someone with my aesthetic taste but preference for flatter shoes. I used one of these vendors for my wedding shoes. I found a base model of shoe on the website that had the look I was going for and then I picked the heel height and style, all the fabrics and where to put them, and I also added an extra strap (the base model only comes with one, either an ankle strap or a criss-cross strap and I requested both).

I requested a fabric sample before ordering any shoes and I matched everything to my wedding dress. Despite being different fabrics (the dress is made of stretch performance fabric and these are all satins), these shoes are a nearly perfect match and I couldn't be happier with them.

The brand of shoe is Very Fine Dance Shoes, and you can get stock, other customer's custom designs, or design you own direct from www.veryfineshoes.com/customladiesdanceshoes or from one of several retailers that sell them.

They're as comfortable as any dance shoe, which means that they're still heels but they're made for hard wear with padding and properly constructed soles and shanks. They're not going to feel like sneakers because they're not sneakers, but if I'm going to wear dress shoes, those made for dancing are about as comfortable as they get, with one exception...

These are the most comfortable pair of dress shoes I own. They're Crocs and I have them in black and oat (kind of a light khaki / tan). Even when I have hard leather soles on my dance shoes that allow me to wear them off the floor, I still bring these shoes to change into afterwards. Because no matter how comfortable the dance shoes are, dancing for 4 hours in heels is still hard. When I put these on, I add another several hours worth of walking to my evening while still looking dressed up. Honestly, the only reason I don't wear only these for dressing up is because they're open-toe and I prefer the closed-toe look.  That, and I rarely get dressed up if I'm not dancing.

It looks like Crocs has discontinued this model and changed to a criss-cross strap over the toes (which I love) and is about to discontinue that model too. They have other styles of shoes, but you might be able to get these from another retailer that still carries some old stock. The model I have is called the Leigh and the criss-cross version is the Leigh II.

I've probably had them for more than a decade now, and since I don't wear them very often because I don't dress up often, they still look brand new and I expect to continue wearing them for years more.

These are also Crocs, and also a model that has been discontinued. I know most people would never have thought to hear anyone say this, but keep an eye on Crocs for not-ugly comfortable shoes. They sell more than clogs. These are a simple red wedge with a black patent leather-like toe cap.

Like the Leigh Wedges, they are made from the same Crocs materials and have the same comfortable Crocs sole. They have other wedges available on their website, so keep checking back to see the new models, as they frequently rotate new designs in.

I would put Crocs in the mid-range price category, with shoes usually costing between $25 and $60, plus you can often find sales or clearance items. Once something gets discontinued, though, the third-party retails jack the price up because they become hard to find.

Another place to look for shoes that may be both stylish and comfortable is the recent trend of "foldable" ballet flats. I got these from Payless when they announced they were going out of business and put everything on clearance. I also bought the same pair in this really smart grey flannel-looking fabric with a black toe cap that goes amazingly with my grey suit pencil skirt.

Payless opened back up again as an online-only store, and I'm pretty sure these are available online. Because they're this "foldable" style, meaning that they are intended for you to fold them literally in half and stuff them in a purse, they're not constructed with the same high quality materials as traditional shoes. They might be using high quality materials, but they are of a different type.

They are soft and flexible all over, so there is virtually no arch support or padding. These feel, to me, almost like going barefoot, with no shock absorption whatsoever. This may or may not count as "comfortable" for you. I put foam insoles in mine.

Also, because they are made and stored "folded", you'll notice the shoes are curled up. I would not have thought that I would feel any curling once they were on my feet - that my feet were more solidly straight and would out-compete the tension in the shoes. But I do start to notice a slight pressure on my feet to turn up at the toes over time. Fortunately, they're also easily slipped on and off.

And finally, if someone is fortunate enough to wear an adult woman's size 6 or smaller (sometimes up to an 8), you can also get dressy children's shoes because they go up to a size 4, which is a 6 in Women's. Walmart carries kids shoes up to size 6, which is an 8 in women's.

I got these adorable little white pearl dress shoes at Payless that look every bit like adult heels except they have a child's low heel. As in - they're not *flats*, they're *heels*, just with a very low heel. I had to take a seam ripper to remove some goofy leather flower things on top, but given the price and the heel, it was worth it.

I don't have a picture of them yet, but you can see them in this video of me performing in them: www.youtube.com/watch?v=rmgiGlDIuJw



Kids shoes don't come with fancy arch supports and memory foam padding or whatever, so I still have to add insoles, but the low heel instantly makes them more comfortable than adult heels just for that alone. I wish they made kids shoes in all adult sizes. I mean, what adult wouldn't want low-heeled dress shoes or canvas sneakers with Thor on them or pastel pink & blue boots or something? Kids have some pretty awesome shoes and lots of us are just big kids.

So, there you have it - a few ideas on where to get comfortable (or less UNcomfortable) feminine dress shoes, that will not be applicable to everyone for either aesthetic preferences, finances, or size constraints.
joreth: (dance)
2021-09-04 08:17 pm

What Is The Benefit To Learning Dance?

www.quora.com/Why-should-you-learn-ballroom-dance-or-any-dance-and-is-there-any-benefit/answer/Joreth-Innkeeper

Q. Why should you learn ballroom dance or any dance and is there any benefit?

A.
  • Dance is a great form of exercise that includes both cardio and flexibility work.
     
  • Dance is a great form of social activity to meet new people and build friendships and community.
     
  • Social partner dancing has been shown to decrease or relieve the symptoms of some forms of dementia and to also reduce the onset of dementia (https://blogs.biomedcentral.com/bmcseriesblog/2016/04/04/keep-dancing-turns-good-brain/).
     
  • Partner dancing increases your awareness of the space you take up and your effect on those around you, so it can help build empathy skills.
     
  • Partner dancing improves non-verbal communication skills, which help in other areas of life such as romantic relationships, work relationships, familial relationships, customer service, etc.  (I teach a workshop where I teach non-dancers certain dance exercises that will teach them non-verbal communication skills to improve relationship communication with no dancing even required!)
     
  • Social dancing offers clear guidelines for social etiquette, that can help improve self-confidence or relieve social anxiety, and can offer a framework for social etiquette in other contexts.
     
  • Social dancing builds self-esteem as skill improves and as the dancer practices the social etiquette of asking for dances and dealing with rejection.  It builds emotional resiliency.
     
  • Dance brings awareness to the physical body, which can help with self-esteem, and with awareness of the body that can lead to better detection of problems and better self-care.
     
  • Dancing can be a safe outlet for physically expressing and processing strong emotion.
     
  • A regular dance regime or schedule can provide a sense of structure while combining physical activity and artistic or creative expression, all of which are extremely valuable tools for children and young adults for building and maintaining healthy self-esteem and productive patterns that can be applied in other areas of life, and for people in any life stage who may be experiencing emotional upheaval, loss, change, or feeling unsettled or adrift through changing life circumstances, or who just might need or want an anchor or a steady point in their life.
     
  • Partner dance is also great for mitigating the effects of touch-starvation, which a lot of people, straight men in particular, are brought up with very few outlets for non-sexual touch once we reach adulthood. This is a wonderful way to get some of the physical touch that we seem to need as human beings.